I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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