the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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