I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
