Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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