Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
