I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
