You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
