I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
