I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
