i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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