i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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