seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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