Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
