This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
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