if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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