dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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