hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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