I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
