no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
