I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
