I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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