I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Randomize
