Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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