Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
