oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
