you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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