Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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