i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
