my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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