he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
