Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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