the condom got lost in my hair
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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