I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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