I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
