i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
