why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
