Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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