I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
