i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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