if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
