the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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