Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
