He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
