I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
