I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
