Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
