Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
