So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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