She is in my trunk
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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