fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
