My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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