I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
