i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
