she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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