She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
